June 16, 2017 Embracing Polyamory Journal Entry

When I was little, I was always swimming against the current. Choosing blue instead of pink, intentionally doing my school work incorrect, counter-arguing everything said to me. I didn't abide by the prescribed societal expectations. Inherently, I've always felt a sense of unrest; discomfort with the accepted norms. I've pushed them in many ways throughout my life and carved my own path. I graduated from an alternative high school, I worked from a young age, I was emancipated by sixteen, and I always identified somewhere on the queer spectrum. My political beliefs are leftist and my spiritual beliefs are my own personal combination of various systems, as well as some I've created independently. So it shouldn't have come as a surprise that I am meant to be polyamorous. However, it took me until age twenty eight, with an extensive history of failed monogamous, and oftentimes abusive relationships, to realize that my beliefs, feelings, personality and experiences have shaped me to be a poly person. I am a child of divorce and was traumatized by the impact that this unexpected and poorly executed situation had on myself and my family. It was ripped apart at the seams and each piece was now broken and trying to heal. Experiencing and witnessing all of the consequences of that, as well as being skillfully aware of people's relationship patterns and dating habits, I cannot genuinely feel that I believe in marriage. I am hyper-critical of our government and how flawed human beings are arbitrarily passing bylaws that affect citizens in a very negative way. I don't understand how people can have so much faith in the institutions of marriage, law and religion that have been constructed by human beings. How can that make it absolute when we are so, so flawed?

Though the main mantra of poly culture is that love is limitless, the focal point of polyamory is that you have multiple intimate partners. This doesn't necessarily mean that the people involved are promiscuous  (not that that would be a bad thing!) It simply means that you have intimate connections, whether it's emotional, intellectual, spiritual or sexual, that are deemed inappropriate in monogamous belief structures. Jealousy, possessiveness and low self-esteem are negative emotions that people feel and project when they are in supposedly "monogamous" relationships. As a result, the person's projection of these emotions hurts their partner, who will feel guilt, shame, hostility and resentment. Those emotions, for me personally, are huge factors in how I have, until this point, lived my life. Shame and guilt defined me. I was disinhibited, I would avoid challenges as to not fail, and felt less-than and inferior to my peers, friends and loved ones. I never felt a sense of "settledness" in my heart here in Newfoundland, even though I have spent my life all over this city and know thousands of people. I could imagine the life I wanted; an idealistic imaginary life where I was in a serious relationship with a house, a car, a dog, a few kids. Living the life I witnessed my aunts and uncles live as a child. I longed for that home. I had the perfect idea of what I thought I wanted, I believed it and felt strongly and confidently about it. I eventually found a person who fit the bill exactly. Kind, funny, attractive, compassionate, understanding, patient, generous, dedicated, respectful. For a short time, I was excited about the possibility of a life, a family, together. I thought I had found it all. I genuinely felt like I won the lottery. But then, that all changed. The growing pressure, expectations, demands and insecurities of monogamous culture swept in. I started to feel claustrophobic, like life was closing in on me. I had given up friends that I had special, meaningful but "inappropriate" intimate relationships with and I was grieving that loss. The demands of monogamy are too heavy for me, and I accept that about myself now. I finally came to a place where I stopped feeling ashamed for my natural desires, wants, needs and feelings, and started honouring them. I decided to face head on exactly what caused me the most grief in my life- jealousy, insecurity, poor self-image, guilt and shame. I put them under a microscope and started to realize that these emotionally difficult, negative feelings were a direct result of whatever relationship I was in. It all finally sank in. It wasn't my fault, or their fault... it was just a truth about myself. I became liberated. I finally found me, and since I have, I have no more desire to move. The search is over. My heart feels like home.