December 08, 2014 Journal Entry About Helping People with Depression

Why WE SUCK at Helping Depressed People (And What To DO About It)

If you don't want to indulge in cynicism or criticisms of our societal morale at this present time, now would be a good time to stop reading. POW! You've been warned.

Those of you who chose to continue, I both commend you and apologize.

DEPRESSION.

Those 10 letters carry so much weight over us; individually and as a whole. The stigmas are still prevalent in our society to the point in which it turns my stomach to witness even well-meaning, good Samaritans trying to deconstruct the stigmas and reach out and offer support and understanding to those suffering from depression... Because guess what, most of you (us) SUCK at it, regardless.  I'm not removing myself from this population-- I suck, too. Let me elaborate.

What I have deduced through years of experiencing peer suicide, celebrity suicide, and struggling with my own mental health demons and suicidal thoughts and attempts is this: MOST people, regardless of intent, education, understanding, compassion, connection or experience, WON'T be there for you when you are depressed or reaching out all of the time. I acknowledge, it would be presumptuous to expect anyone to be there for a depressed person every time they feel depressed or suicidal, since a depressed person usually always feels that way. There are countless reasons why we, as individuals and a society, cannot offer the support and friendship that our depressed peers need. Work, family, our own struggles and stresses, transportation, social anxiety, shyness, finances, distance, time... These are some of the factors I have experienced as "barriers of connection", the connection being between the person reaching out (depressed person) and the person being reached out to (friend, family, stranger on a social network site *more on this later*, colleague, doctor.) There have been countless Facebook status updates (the most common amongst young people in this technological era), tweets, text messages, IM, phone calls and Snapchats that, if you looked closely, are cries for attention and help. But guess what? Because the stigmatization of depression/mental illness is still SO PREVALENT, even to the person who is depressed, we oftentimes will not explicitly say "Hey, friend. I am feeling depressed and suicidal and need someone to comfort me. If I do not get this attention I will feel worse and may eventually kill myself." These words, though they are the truest and most direct form of communicating this harsh truth, carry SUCH EXTRAORDINARY STIGMA that any depressed person would never dream of using this kind of method to reach out. The label of "attention seeker" is one that diminishes the person's struggle and makes them feel guilty and embarrassed about asking for help. Instead, we (the depressed) use conversation starters that are more subtle and vague. For instance, I've posted numerous status updates on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to hang out, or sad or depressing things about my life circumstances. This is a method of reaching out and it is so common that it has become an annoyance to many people. "There goes Linda, complaining again." or "Jeeze, why do people post such personal stuff on Facebook?" *deletes friend* or "I don't wanna read this shit."

So having said all that, I think it is important to FIRST AND FOREMOST, try to be more compassionate. Read more into what people are saying. Follow up with them. If you see something on Facebook or other social media that indicates a person may be upset or looking for attention, chances are it is because they are feeling LOW. And you know what is SUPER IMPORTANT?? TALKING to people who are outside of your circle of friends. Most of us have a lot of Facebook friends that we don't see regularly, that are mere acquaintances, or people we don't even know. So people incorrectly presume "I'm sure this person has friends or family that will respond to their outreach. Someone else will get to it before me. I don't want it to be an awkward encounter." WRONG. If they had that kind of support at the moment they needed it, they wouldn't be asking (even if subtly) a larger community for help. Since depression is an on-going illness, perpetually driving many people into a spiral of negative thinking and feeling, it is so important to have a WIDE peer support group for a depressed person to reach out to. If it's unrealistic to expect our friends or family to be able to be there for us in our times of need, then I think a realistic alternative would be to have a lot of people do a little every day. If this were the case, the pressure on the supporter (which is undeniably difficult as well) would be dispersed. 

The death of Robin Williams fueled my desire to write about this today.

Newsfeeds are blowing up after the unexpected suicide of this beloved actor. I've seen countless posts about suicide awareness, depression awareness, reaching out, and being there for those in need. I get it. OUR INTENTIONS are pure. We wish we had been there when we learn someone takes their own life. We vow to ourselves to be a support person for someone in need in order to prevent these avoidable losses. I've done it, we all do it. When the wounds are fresh and the pain stings we all will look for relief in the form of support or compassion. However, once the pain subsides and life goes on we tend to forget our vows and get so entangled in our own existence that we forget we are part of a community. The Facebook posts from our "attention seeking" peers become annoyances again, we are desensitized to peoples' suffering once more, and we wait until the next tragedy. This enrages me and makes me mad at myself as well as all of you. I have been on both sides, the depressed and the support. I have reached out countless times with no avail, and I have turned a blind eye to those in need because it would inconvenience my hectic life. This needs to stop. But how?

I propose we start a Peer Support Group on Facebook. It's a small step, but if it could save one life it would be worth it. It could be focused on support for people in Newfoundland Labrador, and those people who truly want to be a support person for a person with a mental illness, or even just someone going through a hard time, could be connected. We will eliminate the miscommunication, stigmas and subtleties through doing so, because we will know if someone is posting in this group, even if just for a chat, they are looking for peer support. They can contact people individually or post to the group as a whole. If our network becomes wide enough, there is sure to be at least one person available to respond to someone in need at any given time, dispersing the heavy load of depression so no one individual has to carry it indefinitely. 

Thanks for reading, and again, sorry for saying you suck.  #sorrynotsorry